Taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: Wasn't I married to you once?"

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency

124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am

747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206".

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird

206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

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Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force Pilots and the replies from the Maintenance crews.

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(M) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except "autoland" is very rough
(M) "Autoland" not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid
(M) #2 propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(M) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(M) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(M) Volume set to a more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(M) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(M) Cannot reproduce problem on the ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(M) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(M) That´s what they are there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(M) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(M) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums
(M) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

(Answers at end)

What is "ARINC"?
a. An acronym for Aeronautical Radar, Inc., a corporation that provides real time radar displays of both air traffic and severe weather. It is used by ATC as a supplement to FAA radar.
b. An acronym for Aeronautical Radio, Inc., a corporation largely owned by a group of airlines. ARINC is licensed by the FCC as an aeronautical station and contracted by the FAA to provide communications support for air traffic control and meteorological services in portions of international airspace.
c. An acronym for Aeronautical Radio, Inc., a corporation that manufactures avionics equpment.
d. An acronym for Aeronautical Radio, Inc., a corporation that operates non-federal control towers.

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2. What is the meaning of "back-taxi"?
a. A term used by air traffic controllers to taxi an aircraft back to its starting point on the airport.
b. A term used by air traffic controllers to taxi an aircraft back to the run-up area.
c. A term used by air traffic controllers to taxi an aircraft on the ramp instead of on the taxi-way.
d. A term used by air traffic controllers to taxi an aircraft on the runway opposite to the traffic flow

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3. What is the meaning of "cardinal altitudes"?
a. Any altitude that is legal for IFR operations.
b. Any altitude that is legal for VFR operations.
c. Any altitude below 10,000'
d. "Odd" or "Even" thousand-foot altitudes or flight levels; e.g., 5,000, 6,000, 7,000, FL 250, FL 260, FL 270.
e. "Odd" or "Even" thousand-foot altitudes plus 500 feet; e.g. 5,500, 6,500, 7,500, etc.

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4. What is the meaning of "clear of the runway"?
a. A taxiing aircraft, which is approaching a runway, is clear of the runway when all parts of the aircraft are held short of the applicable holding position marking.
b. A pilot or controller may consider an aircraft, which is exiting or crossing a runway, to be clear of the runway when all parts of the aircraft are beyond the runway edge and there is no ATC restriction to its continued movement beyond the applicable holding position marking.
c. Both a and b
d. None of the above

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5. "Close parallel runways" are two parallel runways whose extended centerlines are separated by less than
a. 3,800'
b. 4,300'
c. 5,300'
d. 5,800'

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6. A "compass rose" may be oriented on
a. magnetic north
b. true north
c. either magnetic north or true north
d. none of the above

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7. What is the meaning of "established"?
a. To be stable or fixed on a route within five degrees of the charted course.
b. To be stable or fixed on a route within ten degrees of the charted course.
c. To be stable or fixed on a route within five degrees of a charted approach course, or within ten degrees of a charted enroute course.
d. No guidance as to a specific acceptable angular course deviation is given in the Glossary.

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8. What is the meaning of "Flight Check" when used in ATC communications?
a. A call-sign prefix used by FAA aircraft engaged in flight inspection/certification of navigational aids and flight procedures.
b. A call-sign prefix used by pilots of aircraft engaged in flight testing new aircraft or aircraft that have been modified or repaired.
c. A call-sign prefix used by pilots of aircraft engaged in practical tests for pilot certification.
d. A request by a pilot for ATC to transmit the altitude and airspeed for the aircraft as shown on the ATC radar screen.

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9. When a pilot transmits "amount of fuel remaining" to ATC, this amount should be given in
a. gallons, not including reserve
b. gallons, including reserve
c. pounds, not including reserve
d. pounds, including reserve
e. time, not including reserve
f. time, including reserve

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10. "Gate hold procedures" are procedures at selected airports to hold aircraft at the gate or other ground location whenever departure delays exceed or are anticipated to exceed
a. 5 minutes.
b. 10 minutes.
c. 15 minutes.
d. 20 minutes.
e. 30 minutes.
f. 45 minutes.

Answers:

1. What is "ARINC"?
a. An acronym for Aeronautical Radar, Inc., a corporation that provides real time radar displays of both air traffic and severe weather. It is used by ATC as a supplement to FAA radar.
b. An acronym for Aeronautical Radio, Inc., a corporation largely owned by a group of airlines. ARINC is licensed by the FCC as an aeronautical station and contracted by the FAA to provide communications support for air traffic control and meteorological services in portions of international airspace.
c. An acronym for Aeronautical Radio, Inc., a corporation that manufactures avionics equipment.
d. An acronym for Aeronautical Radio, Inc., a corporation that operates non-federal control towers.
b. Yes, that's correct! From the Pilot/Controller Glossary:

"ARINC - An acronym for Aeronautical Radio, Inc., a corporation largely owned by a group of airlines. ARINC is licensed by the FCC as an aeronautical station and contracted by the FAA to provide communications support for air traffic control and meteorological services in portions of international airspace."

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2. What is the meaning of "back-taxi"?
a. A term used by air traffic controllers to taxi an aircraft back to its starting point on the airport.
b. A term used by air traffic controllers to taxi an aircraft back to the run-up area.
c. A term used by air traffic controllers to taxi an aircraft on the ramp instead of on the taxi-way.
d. A term used by air traffic controllers to taxi an aircraft on the runway opposite to the traffic flow
d. Yes, that's it! From the Pilot/Controller Glossary:

"Back-Taxi - A term used by air traffic controllers to taxi an aircraft on the runway opposite to the traffic flow. The aircraft may be instructed to back-taxi to the beginning of the runway or at some point before reaching the runway end for the purpose of departure or to exit the runway."

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3. What is the meaning of "cardinal altitudes"?
a. Any altitude that is legal for IFR operations.
b. Any altitude that is legal for VFR operations.
c. Any altitude below 10,000'
d. "Odd" or "Even" thousand-foot altitudes or flight levels; e.g., 5,000, 6,000, 7,000, FL 250, FL 260, FL 270.
e. "Odd" or "Even" thousand-foot altitudes plus 500 feet; e.g. 5,500, 6,500, 7,500, etc.
d. Yes, that's right! From the Pilot/Controller Glossary:

"Cardinal Altitudes - 'Odd' or 'Even' thousand-foot altitudes or flight levels; e.g., 5,000, 6,000, 7,000, FL 250, FL 260, FL 270."

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4. What is the meaning of "clear of the runway"?
a. A taxiing aircraft, which is approaching a runway, is clear of the runway when all parts of the aircraft are held short of the applicable holding position marking.
b. A pilot or controller may consider an aircraft, which is exiting or crossing a runway, to be clear of the runway when all parts of the aircraft are beyond the runway edge and there is no ATC restriction to its continued movement beyond the applicable holding position marking.
c. Both a and b
d. None of the above
c. Yes, that's the best answer! From the Pilot/Controller Glossary:

"Clear of the Runway -

a. A taxiing aircraft, which is approaching a runway, is clear of the runway when all parts of the aircraft are held short of the applicable holding position marking.

b. A pilot or controller may consider an aircraft, which is exiting or crossing a runway, to be clear of the runway when all parts of the aircraft are beyond the runway edge and there is no ATC restriction to its continued movement beyond the applicable holding position marking.

c. Pilots and controllers shall exercise good judgment to ensure that adequate separation exists between all aircraft on runways and taxiways at airports with inadequate runway edge lines or holding position markings."

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5. "Close parallel runways" are two parallel runways whose extended centerlines are separated by less than
a. 3,800'
b. 4,300'
c. 5,300'
d. 5,800'
b. Yes, it's 4,300'! From the Pilot/Controller Glossary:

"CLOSE PARALLEL RUNWAYS - Two parallel runways whose extended centerlines are separated by less than 4,300 feet, having a Precision Runway Monitoring (PRM) system that permits simultaneous independent ILS approaches."

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6. A "compass rose" may be oriented on
a. magnetic north
b. true north
c. either magnetic north or true north
d. none of the above
c. Yes, that's the best answer! From the Pilot/Controller Glossary:

"Compass Rose - A circle, graduated in degrees, printed on some charts or marked on the ground at an airport. It is used as a reference to either true or magnetic direction."

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7. What is the meaning of "established"?
a. To be stable or fixed on a route within five degrees of the charted course.
b. To be stable or fixed on a route within ten degrees of the charted course.
c. To be stable or fixed on a route within five degrees of a charted approach course, or within ten degrees of a charted enroute course.
d. No guidance as to a specific acceptable angular course deviation is given in the Glossary.
d. Yes, that's correct! From the Pilot/Controller Glossary:

"ESTABLISHED - To be stable or fixed on a route, route segment, altitude, heading, etc."

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8. What is the meaning of "Flight Check" when used in ATC communications?
a. A call-sign prefix used by FAA aircraft engaged in flight inspection/certification of navigational aids and flight procedures.
b. A call-sign prefix used by pilots of aircraft engaged in flight testing new aircraft or aircraft that have been modified or repaired.
c. A call-sign prefix used by pilots of aircraft engaged in practical tests for pilot certification.
d. A request by a pilot for ATC to transmit the altitude and airspeed for the aircraft as shown on the ATC radar screen.
a. Yes, that's it! From the Pilot/Controller Glossary:

"Flight Check - A call-sign prefix used by FAA aircraft engaged in flight inspection/certification of navigational aids and flight procedures. The word 'recorded' may be added as a suffix; e.g., 'Flight Check 320 recorded' to indicate that an automated flight inspection is in progress in terminal areas."

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9. When a pilot transmits "amount of fuel remaining" to ATC, this amount should be given in
a. gallons, not including reserve
b. gallons, including reserve
c. pounds, not including reserve
d. pounds, including reserve
e. time, not including reserve
f. time, including reserve
f. Yes, that's right! From the Pilot/Controller Glossary:

"Fuel Remaining - A phrase used by either pilots or controllers when relating to the fuel remaining on board until actual fuel exhaustion. When transmitting such information in response to either a controller question or pilot initiated cautionary advisory to air traffic control, pilots will state the APPROXIMATE NUMBER OF MINUTES the flight can continue with the fuel remaining. All reserve fuel SHOULD BE INCLUDED in the time stated, as should an allowance for established fuel gauge system error."

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10. "Gate hold procedures" are procedures at selected airports to hold aircraft at the gate or other ground location whenever departure delays exceed or are anticipated to exceed
a. 5 minutes.
b. 10 minutes.
c. 15 minutes.
d. 20 minutes.
e. 30 minutes.
f. 45 minutes.
c. Yes, it's 15 minutes! From the Pilot/Controller Glossary:

"Gate Hold Procedures - Procedures at selected airports to hold aircraft at the gate or other ground location whenever departure delays exceed or are anticipated to exceed 15 minutes. The sequence for departure will be maintained in accordance with initial call-up unless modified by flow control restrictions. Pilots should monitor the ground control/clearance delivery frequency for engine start/taxi advisories or new proposed start/taxi time if the delay changes."

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